by Martin Rice
Early in life, I decided that I would try to be a relatively honest person, so I never went to law school. I opted, instead, for early retirement and became a college professor. But, now, I’m not so sure I made the right choice. You see, I just saw the opportunity of a life time for even a middling grade defense attorney–taking on the defense of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed … and any other captured 9/ll terrorist. In fact, anyone who has just watched enough episodes of Law and Order could probably make out like a terr… err … I mean a bandit on this one.
As you may know, unless you’re a college student, our undocumented president has handed over the 9/ll terrorist trial to the district courts of New York City. That’s right, these friends of the religion of peace will be tried as though they were caught robbing a convenience store in Brooklyn.
About two weeks ago, our undocumented president was interviewed on television about the apparent absurdity of trying people captured in war in a civilian court. Even the drive-by interviewer was aware of the absurdity of the whole thing and how anything other than complete acquittal could be the outcome. You should have seen the president’s undocumented legal mind at work! “They will be found guilty,” he said, “… and they will be executed.”
Now, have you watched enough episodes of Boston Legal to know what comes next? “Your honor, the jury pool has been contaminated! “Your honor, we request a change of
venue!” So, how about a change of venue to Saudi Arabia where they can be tried by a jury of their peers?
Were they mirandized on the battle field? No? Oh my! Get out of jail free!
Was he given his mandatory one satellite phone call? No? Oh my! Get out of jail free!
I think you see my point, unless, of course, you’re the undocumented president of the United States … or a college student.
Now, let’s play another game: Are You Smarter than a Senator? Of course, this game isn’t as much fun as its TV namesake. That’s because there’s no challenge to it.
Take Senator Kent Conrad for instance. You’ve probably never heard of him. That’s because he’s from a place most people have never heard of … North Dakota.
When asked by Cyber Cast News how terrorists captured on the battle field would be mirandized, or how search warrants would be obtained based on probable cause, he feigned ignorance of the question’s point.
When it was explained to him in terms even a 5th grader could understand, he became livid. his response is classic Alzheimer’s: “If people don’t believe in our system, maybe they ought to go somewhere else … I believe in America!”
Now, I believe in America, too. And that’s why I believe the next time I get gas in New Jersey, I’ll find Khalid Sheikh Mohammed running the convenience store, on his way to becoming another American success story, made in Guantanamo.
About Martin Rice
Martin A. Rice, Jr. is Associate Professor of Philosophy at the University of Pittsburgh’s Johnstown campus, where his Marxist colleagues are a constant source of amusement and entertainment. He received his doctoral degree
in Philosophy from The Ohio State University and his B.A. in Chemistry from what is now the over-rated College of New Jersey. Before going into Philosophy, he worked in the analytical chemistry of precious metals for the Bureau of the Mint. He’s the author of the periodically available Rice Report
http://www.pitt.edu/~rice/report.htm
What have you done to defend American freedoms today?
This day in history December 13
1937 The Rape of Nanjing beginnings with Japanese troops carrying out several weeks of raping and killing of civilians and suspected Chinese resistance fighters after the fall of Nanjing.
Comments on this or any other Collins Report essay can be sent to kcoachc “at” gmail.com
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